My job in life was to hide my stuttering

 I'm learning just how knowledge and education
brings light and understanding. In this journey of finding myself again through
my research of stuttering. One aspect I've become very aware of is how my main
goal in life or job was to hide my stutter.  I would place hiding my stuttering
above everything else in life, now how sad is that!! At this point I'm actually
trying to think back to my dreams as a child, because for such a long period of
time all that filled my mind was how could I avoid stuttering at all costs.
Stuttering dictated my career choices and almost everything else.

 When I was in school I became very you could say lazy. I would for the most
part not do alot of homework assignments that had to be read out loud in class. 
I thought to myself why even do the assignments because when the teacher "calls"
on me or asks me to read my answers our loud I would always use the excuse "I
didnt do my homework" even though I really may have to try and hide my
stuttering.  This started at a young age and was my way of coping. Its so
amazing to me how much guilt and shame someone can feel for something that is so
not their fault.  I'm wanting to learn how to not be lazy anyone and learn
organizing skills.  I feel for the very first time in my life I'm starting to
really become the person I've always wanted to be!!


    For me hitting my own rock bottom was hard.  It all really started when I
went on a mission trip to another country to help with some projects.  It was
such a huge culture shock, and was such a "wake up call" for me.  For so long I
had put my value on what items I owned, what kind of clothes I had, what car I
drove and the list goes on. This country I went to was very, very poor, many
people had no food and no clean water. However, I met the most happy, loving,
sweet people ever! They had nothing but still were so very happy! This made me
take a deep look inside myself and made to realize how I was really a very poor
person.  Nothing I had ( material items) made me who I was. You could say I
tried to hide behind "things".

   Doing this inner search was the hardest thing I
have ever done in my life.  I think many people in the USA have this issue
bigger and better.. nice cars and so on.  I love my country and we are blessed
here in so many ways.  After returning home from the mission trip many of my
friends were getting married and life was just changing.  I went in to a
depression state that lasted about 3 to 4 years.  I believe for me everything in
my life shifted after seeing how much I placed my value on the material items I
had, and finding out life is so much more than money and what you have. 

     My self esteem hit rock bottom and I had no drive, I had lost hope. 
Stuttering I believe made me feel like less of a person as well. I believe
stuttering made me really want to hide behind material items and think I was
great because of what I had.  In reality your great because of what you can give
and what kind of heart you have toward others. By the grace of God one morning I
heard a pastor preaching and all of the sudden something hit my spirit,
something good and the light came on and my hunger for God began to grow again. 
During this time of depression I found out who my true friends were, and in this
case who my true friends were NOT! It still amazed me that really no one ever
really spoke to me about what was going on in my life ( as far as depression was
concerned) I was not myself and yet didnt know what to do. God became my
everything during this time and He alone is the reason I'm here able to talk
about what a hard time it was.

  Today I feel I'm a different person due to all I
have gone through a better person, someone who can relate with pain.  I'm
learning the kinds of people I want in my life and that time really is so very
precious! I'm discovering my dreams again and new dreams I didnt even know I
had.  I want to catch up on all the time lost to worring and being affraid.  I
love people, I love being around people and I'm coming out of my shell each day
more and more.  I believe the most important message and the main thing that was
truly helped me deal with depression and feeling all alone is that I'm not
alone. I'm not alone because I have a God who is always there for me no. matter.
what. I held on to that each day when bad thoughts would come.


     I know many people run from the truth and run from pain.  Lets face it, pain
is not fun!! Its not a good feeling at all! Its much easier to just run from the
pain and not deal with the hard issues in life. Thats what I did for a long
time! Its been a hard journey and its a journey I'm still on but healing comes
when we feel those really bad feelings and then give them to God.  Having bad
feelings is normal its what we do with those feelings afterward that makes the
difference.  I've felt for so long that stuttering controled my life made me
feel like I have been in a prision. But not anymore. I'm coming out and I'm so
happy!!! :)  Finding the real me again and being the real me is a feeling that
is very good. 

A leader

Thoughts just keep coming to mind today :) I've never blogged this much in my life haha. I've always been a leader at heart. always. Stuttering has in a way shut me down for so long. It tried to make me someone I never really was, a passive sort of follower type of person.  There is nothing wrong with being a follower at all!! However being able to just "be" who you really are is a great thing. Stuttering made me go into the type of "shell" being so guarded and not letting people get to close to me because I've been SO affraid if they found out that I struggled with stuttering they would not like me. The truth is when we allow people to see our weaknesses it allows them to also be honest about their weaknesses because we all have them, no one is perfect.

A whole new world..

     I feel like a whole new world is starting to open
up.  I never thought I would get to this point in my life. I've been hiding my
stuttering ( or trying to but everyone already knows its just me dealing with
the feelings and emotions that go along with it.  I've had so many guards and
walls up in my heart and finally I feel like they are starting to come down. For
such a long, long time all I could think about each day was how I can hide my
stuttering today and what situations can I avoid to not be embarrassed. I
focused so much on hiding my stuttering I really never let new and interesting
thoughts into my mind, you could say I was very closed minded. I had many dreams
like having a family someday and so on and just could not see how all that would
happen with having a stuttering problem. Well, now the light is beginning to
shine and I can see my dreams coming to pass in the future! I have hope and hope
is such a beautiful thing! Knowing what I want out of life and having dreams and
making those dreams happen is what I'm going for.. So I'm dreaming, and
dreaming... I want ALL that this life has to offer!! I am blessed!!!!

Coming out of hiding

For many years, well lets just say for pretty much all my life so far :) I've not talked much about my stuttering or that I stutter at all. I've become very good at avoidence and well more avoidence. I think it comes down to trying to be or look perfect. Its funny to me how much shame and guilt you can feel for something that is completly not your fault.  No one wants to be someone who struggles with stuttering, or any other hard thing in life, example ( cancer and so on). Its like because we take longer to say a word or in some cases cannot say a certain word we fail. These feelings and emotions are very real, however I'm learning they are NOT TRUE.  Our emotions can sometimes lie to us! We are NOT failures because we may stutter on a word.

Focusing to much on these bad feelings is not good, for many years thats what I did. I'm learning how important it is to NOT live by what I feel, but what I know if the truth about myself. I'm a child of God and He loves me no matter what! One thing I have found about stuttering is it really does force you to slow down and really think about the words you say, which is a VERY GOOD THING!! I know many people that really should slow down and think before they speak. I have friend that just says anything off the top of her head and its got her into alot of not so good situations if you know what I mean.  Words really do have power and we should really think before we speak. Life and death are in the power of the tongue - proverbs 18:21.

So each day I'm a little closer to coming out of hiding that I have and still do struggle with stuttering. To be honest dealing with stuttering has affected every single part of my life from frendships, relationships, education, and many others.  I'm learning to be more open and let the healing continue. Thinking positive thoughts about yourself is key, renew your mind each day and focus on what God says about you.

first of many..

Today is my first blog of I hope many to come in sharing my story and journey with stuttering and all the emotions and feelings that go along with it. It is my desire for this blog to help and encourage those that also struggle in their day to day lives with stuttering. Having HOPE is such an important thing to move forward.

Weeks ago we all heard the very sad story of what happen to Gabrielle Giffords and others in Arizona. This was just such a sad day, and I still keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers! Gabby's doctors mentioned they put a breathing tube to make sure Gabby had air. This was very important in helping her stay alive.  When I was about 10 years old I had surgery due to stomach issues.  I remember very well waking up out of surgery and having that awful breaking tube in.  I started gaging. I already have a very hard time taking pills that are big, so you can imagine how it was having this big tube down your throat.  I remember wanting so badly to tell the doctors I'M AWAKE and get this thing out of me!!! But I could not. This to me is what stuttering is like. No we dont have a breathing tube in, but its like having one in to me sometimes.  Wanting SOOOOOOOOOOO badly to say something and you cannot.

I went through a season of depression for almost 3-4 years, yes I know thats a long time. I had lost hope. I was not the person I wanted to be, and things were just changing.  Through the grace, love and mercy of God I'm coming out. Its a day by day walk and I cannot tell you how thankful I am.  I'm still dealing with some shame and guilt and other emotions, but I know this journey has a bigger purpose and for that I have hope and excitment. I hope to share in the future my stuggle with depression and what you can do day by day to help.